Action!

I am at a place in my moving forward* where I'm in limbo. I'm not someone with an eating disorder any more. Nor am I in a place that I'd consider entirely 'recovered' either.

There are clearly other people out there in a similar situation. I know this because there's a market for books like Jenni's; those for people who aren't quite ready to totally let go of the eating disorder/recovery world, and yet aren't in that place where this is at the centre of their lives.

At this point, living what I have learnt in the "recovery journey" - in my moving forward - is probably the most effective method of my keeping moving on. For me, as it seems was with Jenni when she had to act and 'just eat' - I must act. My specific actions may be different from yours, but the message will be the same:

Put into practice all that you are learning every single day. We have a choice. We always have a choice, because every action is a choice in itself.

This is hard. Seriously hard.

I've clung hard to the idea that changes in my relationship with food will come when I change my relationship to myself, my body, others, my emotions... Essentially, when my life changes, I figured that my relationship with food would do, too.

And it has changed in many positive ways, as a result of other changes:

*I eat meat and steak is my favourite dinner!
*I can try and eat a wide range of foods
*I can cook for myself
*I am not frozen by my fear of food
*I've stayed the same size for maybe three or so years
*I don't judge myself on what I eat
*I binge very rarely now
*I will not diet, no matter what

These changes have got me to where I am. They've helped me to be who I am today.
I am someone who has had eating disorders. I am someone who is still working on developing a healthy, "normal" relationship with my food and my feelings.

I am someone who does not have an eating disorder today.I am someone who does not have an eating disorder today.

This is hard to write, and even harder to accept fully, though I know that it is true for me now. I've worked so hard to get to a point where I wouldn't have an eating disorder anymore and now I'm here.... Now what?

Well, accepting that I no longer have an eating disorder is something I plan to work on. It'll take time to get used to, because it was my life. But that's it, isn't it? It was my life. It's just not now.

I've also still got plenty to work - and act on - with respect to my eating. My focus can change to actively putting in practice those things I know will work for me. These are things I've learnt in therapy, from books, from wonderful bloggers, from friends, family and what I know in my heart. Intuitive-eating, my way.

For me, this involves:

*Checking in with my body and rating my hunger, before and after eating. If my hunger is less than 4, I need to eat. If it is higher than 6, I need to stop eating. My body will give me clues as to what it is I want to eat. The more I do this, the easier and more natural it will get.

*Planning home-cooked meals for most evenings, planning a variety of lunches and starting to break my set-in-stone habits at breakfast time.

*Putting the time in to get a shopping list together each week and committing to go to the supermarket. Even when I'd rather do something else - or nothing at all. It keeps me relaxed with food and if it helps my anxiety, then it's healthful for me right now.

*Making the time to do a little exercise. Building a little jogging into my schedule each week. It's good for my mental health (and my body - though this isn't the reason I do it).

*Make the effort to slow things down. For me, I find myself race through to the eating bit without any of the thinking. Like I did with challenging the negative thoughts, I will need to slow it all down and give myself the chance to choose differently.

These are things that many people have to work on each day. I know that for me, overeating and eating 'just in case' are issues I've struggled with most of my life, so to expect them sorted straight away is unrealistic.

As is letting go of those things that really helped me when I did have an eating disorder. It was scary to stop therapy. I might go back to it at another point in my life, but letting go of the support from this was very, very scary. Starting a new job allowed me to do this, providing a 'natural' stopping point. Stopping attending support group will be another milestone. It's proving less helpful to me personally as time goes on. At the moment, it's still something I get something from - if only that I am not as ill as X,Y,Z anymore and that I can see how far I've come. Handing over the reins a little more with our own self-created support group is another thing I'm working on.

However the next statement is still true.

I do not have an eating disorder. And this is down to my actions and my actions alone. I hope the same proves true for you, too.

*For those who don't know what I mean, I'm essentially talking about moving forward and away from disordered eating. Moving forward with my life.