Just Eat?

Today I was reading Jenni Schaefer's book "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me!" and came across a section intriguingly headed with the words 'just eat'. (If you haven't read or heard of Jenni, then I would very much recommend you check out her web pages via this link. She's a really positive example of someone who's really moved forward with her life - and away from disordered eating).

ost people who have issues with food have probably been told to 'just' eat, at least once (if not many times). I can recall two particularly painful incidents of this happening to me.

The first happened when I was first began to binge, after the cracks began to show in a year's worth of restrictive eating behaviours. I'd managed to achieve what, by responses of those around me, I intellectually knew to be a slim figure (I couldn't entertain the idea that I was actually thin - not me, I thought). And here I was, eating (bingeing - I didn't know the difference back then), and ruining it. I was sure I was going to be caught out and would be huge the moment I ate anything. My friend and flatmate at the time found me, upset, over a teaspoon of vegetable spread, in our kitchen. In a frustrated tone (that I took to be angry and jealous), she said "why can't you just eat, like a normal person?!"

This was the start of the end for our friendship.

Today, I can see that perhaps this comment wasn't meant to be mean, or critical, or even jealous. It could have been the result of a frustrating, confusing year in which her friend changed before her very eyes. Literally. Knowing what I now know of how our friendship went up in flames (hindsight's a bitch), it was most likely a combination of these reasons. At the time, I blamed her entirely, whilst punishing myself with food. Today, I know that relationships are far more complex than that. And unfortunately, there are some which are unhealthy for all concerned.

Being told to 'just eat', in this case, proved a pivotal lesson in moving forward. Moving away from disordered eating will sometimes mean being prepared to move forward - and away from - disordered relationships. And it can be painful.

The second 'just eat' incident that comes to mind was with my Mum.I've been able to talk about my issues with food far more openly in the past few years. For the most part, this has proven to be a really helpful tool in moving forward. It's made me feel closer to my Dad and boyfriend, as well as friends and even strangers. Yet just because I am able to speak honestly and openly about my disordered eating history, doesn't mean everyone else can.

When I tried to broach the subject with my Mum, she asked me, in a puzzled tone why amorexics just don't eat. It was a real conversation stopper, and made me fill up with tears that I swallowed back the best I could.

There are so many answers I could have given to that question:

*People with anorexia are all different, and there are as many reasons for why someone develops this particular illness as there are people who have it

This would have been my diplomatic answer; an educated and considered response appropriate for someone who was genuinely curious about why someone might develop the restrictive behaviours associated with anorexia.

But this wasn't what my Mum was asking.

*I developed anorexia partly because those very people who were meant to see that I was unhappy and lonely and ill chose to ask me instead how I was losing all this weight - MUM.

This would have been my angry response; the deep-seated anger and frustration I held because my mother could not be the mother I wanted and needed her to be the most. I knew this would not get me the response I wanted (i.e. an apology - and a mother). So this one was out. Unfortunately, my Mum's own disordered eating and mental health issues, and my own disordered relationship with her, where I feel responsible for her made saying what I felt too complex.

So what did I do?

I left it.

Sometimes, people say things to cut conversations off. Sometimes, there are things that are so painful to address, other people in our lives might not be able to handle them themselves.

And it's okay.

Honestly? It didn't feel okay at first. I was upset at first; angry and frustrated with her. And with me, for bringing it all up. It took me time and therapy to figure out how I would move on from this.

What I learnt was that I needed to work out how I could change to make this relationship manageable for me. I couldn't change her and I couldn't make her want to change with me. What I could do was try and get away from feeling responsible for my Mum. We cannot be responsible for the choices other people make in our lives. This is true even for the people closest to us; those who ironically were meant to be caring for us.

I finally let go when my Mum got re-married. I did it with my boyfriend next to me. Only he, my then therapist and a few trusted friends knew. It still saddens me that I may never have the mother I needed, but I no longer allow myself to be in a position of taking responsiblity for her.

So....what's the point of me telling you this?

I wanted to highlight how seemingly off-hand comments can spark a whole range of thoughts, feelings, behaviours and changes. When moving forward, we can learn to make them positive for us. We can take the good from a situation that would've once seemed to be nothing but negative.

And we move forward each and every time we do this. So yeah, we could just eat - only now we're learning to do so much more as well as eat.