The meaning of loving myself

In order to move on from disordered eating, you first need to learn to love and accept yourself exactly as you are today.

This is one of the most difficult things I have had to even consider in deciding that yes, I do want to move on from this. I've heard it said a million times, in many guises and in many forms; on the internet, in books, at groups, in counselling. And as many times as I've heard it, a little bit of me has hoped it wasn't true.

I didn't quite get why this was at first, but as time has passed, and I've allowed myself to really hear what this is saying to me, I think I understand myself a little more.

Loving and accepting yourself today means letting go of what you think you should be tomorrow.

This is a terrifying thought at first glance. No more hoping that in future, I will be thinner (just one more diet, and that will be me - sorted).

No more hoping that one day, I might be that bit more beautiful and attractive (just a bit more time, money and make-up).

No more 'future is brighter' thinking.

I'd have to make do with how I am now, and entertain the notion that I might be this way for always. The notion that this is as good as it gets. .

Time has passed since I first wrote this post. It's from a time earlier in the year, when I had been musing over what I had learnt.

As with most people, there are things I'd like to improve. This is what keeps us moving forward, and is a positive thing on the whole. Still. There lingers a bit of darkness around the edges. That bit of the eating disordered, negative mindset that hasn't quite disappeared. The part of me that would drive me to push for perfection, given half a chance.

Today, I cannot honestly say that I totally and whole-heartedly accept the idea that this is as good as it gets, or indeed that I am as good as I can ever be. But I can say that in practical terms, I'm moving closer to the positive and further from the negative than ever.

Until I'd given these ideas a go, they seemed very scary.

For example, it means not waiting until the next diet proved successful before I let myself buy new clothes. I would have to buy those clothes I want (or need - often it gets to the 'need' stage before I would brave a shop) today and wear them today. No saving them for best and waiting until the "right" moment. Why? Because I need to know that I am worth spending money on today. I'm not waiting for a better me to come along. I'm not waiting until I "deserve" nice things because I'm telling myself - through my actions and sometimes in my head - that I deserve them now. Just for being me.

It means going out and meeting new people, and making time for friends. I've missed many social occasions because I didn't feel that I was thin enough, beautiful enough, well-dressed enough, funny enough, interesting enough to "deserve" to go out. I've been afraid that if I did spend time with people, they'd find me out. I'd be shown to be an ugly, mean, uninteresting fraud.

Accepting that this body - this me - might well be all I have has meant having to work with it as it is, and live in it. Part of this has meant making myself - sometimes even forcing myself - to go to social occasions. Most of the time, I'm glad to have gone. It's proven to be far more successful that I'd thought and I have been accepted and even welcomed by other people.

Don't get me wrong; meeting people is something I've always been a little nervous about and still makes my stomach flutter sometimes. There are certain people and certain situations I'm yet to face. But I have faith that when I choose to do those things, they'll turn out far better than the previews in my head would have me believe.

It means treating myself with lovely, beautiful things - non-food things like underwear, bath treats and books - for no reason other than I am worthy of being surrounded by wonderful things. Books and bath treats have been pretty easy. Baths are an occasional - and often rather brief - pleasure, and relaxing is getting easier each time. Except when the water's too hot. I can always find a book I'd like to read, and making time to do so is getting to be a little more habitual.

What I'm yet to master is buying myself the longed-for underwear and making every day an occasion worthy of its wearing. I've not the easiest shape for buying lingerie, and it's not something I revel in doing, but it is up there as something important that I need to do for me. To show me that yes, I am a beautiful, gorgeous woman. I have curves and there are beautiful things I can wear on them and do with them. And I am well worth the investment. I'm sure my boyfriend wouldn't object all too strongly either!

So what more can I say on the subject of loving and accepting myself at this point?

Ultimately, it means not waiting until I am thinner to be happy. It means finding things to be happy about today - including how I look and feel about myself and my body. And I'm getting there.

Reality Bites

There is nothing I love more than to plonk myself on the sofa in my comfiest pyjamas and no-make up to watch reality TV. (Note: There are indeed things I love more, but you get the idea...)

Big Brother, Dating in the Dark, The Hills… I will literally watch anything and everything that's out there. It gives me a little thrill - a guilty secret - albeit one that doesn't make me feel guilty and is no longer a secret, evidently.

My all-time favourite show is America's Next Top Model, or ANTM, as devotees will know. This programme has its own acronym, it is so legendary! This programme technically goes against all that I stand for, in terms of not changing who we are - or what we look like - to fit with other people's opinions of who we should be to make it in this world. Being a modelling show, where the primary mode of judgement is on a person's appearance, it doesn't seem to fit that I'd be talking about its merits here.

But this is what I plan to do. And here's why.

There are three things I've taken from this type of programme that help me to feel good about myself and think about how I see myself and others. I think it's important for me to share them here, because chances are, some other women with issues around food and their bodies are out there, watching these programmes. If we're going to watch them, we might as well get something positive from them!

So here goes... ANTM does positive body image and here's my evidence:

Lesson #1: Being thin does not make you happy.

We see this time and again on this show and I've experienced it for myself. Attaining thinness and society's idea of beauty does not equal feeling happy, confident and secure.

There are more tears than tiaras at ANTM headquarters as the girls experience being judged, comparing themselves to others whilst learning who they are, and who they want to be. They suffer the same worries about wearing bikinis or being naked on film as I have (and still do) when the prospect of a camera being near arises. The sheer bafflement I first felt at why beautiful (read: thin) girls who appear to have everything (again, read: thin) would feel insecure now makes sense to me.

We all have issues. Including people who are thin and fir the mould of what is deemed beautiful in our society. And, rightly or wrongly, I find this reassuring.

Lesson one, then, is that being thin will never make us any less us. We'll still feel how we feel and we'll still be us at whatever size or shape we happen to be.

As an aside, I remember hearing comedian Russell Brand once talking about the frustration at never being able to take a holiday from himself, as he always has to take himself along. How many of us would choose to leave ourselves behind if we could, and have a week away from ourselves?

Lesson #2: SMIZE!

Tyra's catchphrase over the last couple of seasons is to repeatedly telli the girls to 'smize' in their photos.

For those of you not yet in on this one, it means she wants them to smile with their eyes. To do this, we need to think of something that makes us feel happy and it will then show in our eyes (whether or not we are doing the model standard of not actually smiling). Seeing the girls of ANTM smizing for the camera - and, of course, for Tyra and the judges 'on panel' - I've picked up something I can use myself in real life.

By focusing on the things that make me feel happy, it shows in how I look, think and behave. I come across differently; I exude an inner confidence that others can really see.

For me, my inner happiness comes from thinking about my boyfriend's cat purring in my lap. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, and loved. It makes me feel happy. He also does the perfect cat-shaped smize; something that's probably rather necessary since he doesn't have the ability to actually smile!

Lesson two then, is that how we feel shows in our faces.

And this is the essence of SMIZING. Deep, Tyra, deep.

Lesson #3: Technology makes or brakes the images we see.

It's said time and again, but it's only when I see the behind-the-scenes work that goes into producing the 'perfect' picture or video that it is brought home to me. Airbrushing changes how people look. They don't look like how they look in pictures. So why is it that we go along with the notion that we should be held to this standard as we go about our daily lives?

Now, don't get me wrong.

I love magazines. Truly. I adore the imagery, real or unreal, and can be known to sneak a sniff of the pages pre-read (I do make it clear that I've got issues, right?). And I will be the first person to say that the media wasn't a deciding factor in me developing an eating disorder.

It's just important to remember that a photograph or a carefully edited television show is what it is: an image. Pieces of art. They are not an accurate snapshot of a person at that given point in time. They are manipulated to portray a message, and it's not always a message we should act upon, or take upon ourselves to live out.

Lesson three, then, is to be media savvy. Don't forget that for every image you see, there is a whole team of people working to make it what it is. The model's just one part of the picture. It's a collective work of art.

So there is more to reality TV than meets the eye, right? Well... yes and no.

On my own journey to move forward from disordered eating, I've learnt not to see things through an eating disordered filter. I can appreciate that for many, this isn't yet possible. It might thus be more beneficial for those people not to watch things that they may see as "triggering", for lack of a better term.

Whilst I can appreciate how ANTM might not be the best viewing for those with disordered eating, for me, it's fun. It's escapism. I hope that I've shown that we can take what we will from the media. If we choose to see it as threatening, we will find nothing but the bad in it. If we can put on our positive specs, we might see it a little differently.

Looooooooove me xxx

Note: Written earlier in 2010, whilst at work. Underemployment = spending too much time thinking about ANTM. Could that be another lesson?! ;-)