The meaning of loving myself

In order to move on from disordered eating, you first need to learn to love and accept yourself exactly as you are today.

This is one of the most difficult things I have had to even consider in deciding that yes, I do want to move on from this. I've heard it said a million times, in many guises and in many forms; on the internet, in books, at groups, in counselling. And as many times as I've heard it, a little bit of me has hoped it wasn't true.

I didn't quite get why this was at first, but as time has passed, and I've allowed myself to really hear what this is saying to me, I think I understand myself a little more.

Loving and accepting yourself today means letting go of what you think you should be tomorrow.

This is a terrifying thought at first glance. No more hoping that in future, I will be thinner (just one more diet, and that will be me - sorted).

No more hoping that one day, I might be that bit more beautiful and attractive (just a bit more time, money and make-up).

No more 'future is brighter' thinking.

I'd have to make do with how I am now, and entertain the notion that I might be this way for always. The notion that this is as good as it gets. .

Time has passed since I first wrote this post. It's from a time earlier in the year, when I had been musing over what I had learnt.

As with most people, there are things I'd like to improve. This is what keeps us moving forward, and is a positive thing on the whole. Still. There lingers a bit of darkness around the edges. That bit of the eating disordered, negative mindset that hasn't quite disappeared. The part of me that would drive me to push for perfection, given half a chance.

Today, I cannot honestly say that I totally and whole-heartedly accept the idea that this is as good as it gets, or indeed that I am as good as I can ever be. But I can say that in practical terms, I'm moving closer to the positive and further from the negative than ever.

Until I'd given these ideas a go, they seemed very scary.

For example, it means not waiting until the next diet proved successful before I let myself buy new clothes. I would have to buy those clothes I want (or need - often it gets to the 'need' stage before I would brave a shop) today and wear them today. No saving them for best and waiting until the "right" moment. Why? Because I need to know that I am worth spending money on today. I'm not waiting for a better me to come along. I'm not waiting until I "deserve" nice things because I'm telling myself - through my actions and sometimes in my head - that I deserve them now. Just for being me.

It means going out and meeting new people, and making time for friends. I've missed many social occasions because I didn't feel that I was thin enough, beautiful enough, well-dressed enough, funny enough, interesting enough to "deserve" to go out. I've been afraid that if I did spend time with people, they'd find me out. I'd be shown to be an ugly, mean, uninteresting fraud.

Accepting that this body - this me - might well be all I have has meant having to work with it as it is, and live in it. Part of this has meant making myself - sometimes even forcing myself - to go to social occasions. Most of the time, I'm glad to have gone. It's proven to be far more successful that I'd thought and I have been accepted and even welcomed by other people.

Don't get me wrong; meeting people is something I've always been a little nervous about and still makes my stomach flutter sometimes. There are certain people and certain situations I'm yet to face. But I have faith that when I choose to do those things, they'll turn out far better than the previews in my head would have me believe.

It means treating myself with lovely, beautiful things - non-food things like underwear, bath treats and books - for no reason other than I am worthy of being surrounded by wonderful things. Books and bath treats have been pretty easy. Baths are an occasional - and often rather brief - pleasure, and relaxing is getting easier each time. Except when the water's too hot. I can always find a book I'd like to read, and making time to do so is getting to be a little more habitual.

What I'm yet to master is buying myself the longed-for underwear and making every day an occasion worthy of its wearing. I've not the easiest shape for buying lingerie, and it's not something I revel in doing, but it is up there as something important that I need to do for me. To show me that yes, I am a beautiful, gorgeous woman. I have curves and there are beautiful things I can wear on them and do with them. And I am well worth the investment. I'm sure my boyfriend wouldn't object all too strongly either!

So what more can I say on the subject of loving and accepting myself at this point?

Ultimately, it means not waiting until I am thinner to be happy. It means finding things to be happy about today - including how I look and feel about myself and my body. And I'm getting there.