I've spent the past few days in a sort of boredom-fuelled haze, anxiously trying to find things to do or get menial tasks completed. In this mindset, food and eating become the centre of my universe. It's the nice bit around which the rest of my day unfolds.
Upon starting my current job, I moved away from my childhood home for what (I am determined) will be the last time. In learning my job, I was kept relatively busy and I can't remember much focus being upon food specifically. I lost up to a stone in the space of a few months as the anxious eating I had been doing living with the family no longer occurred. I could fit into my post-anorexia, binge eating clothes that I've been in for the past 3 years and avoid the heart-wrenching pain of having to buy yet larger clothes yet again. And all without thinking about food. Excellent stuff. Well done.
Now I'm fully established in my work-time position, the inevitable boredom has crept in. I took my current position knowing I'm overqualified and that I'd grow weary of it, but the money and opportunity to be with the person I love in the place that's now home took priority. I find myself thinking about and turning to food more often as a source of consolation; a past-time to make the day go quicker and a marker of time.
Career-wise, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I keep putting pressure on myself to hurry up and decide, resulting in a stressed-out feeling in my chest. Why? Because I feel I ought to, given the amount of time and money invested in my education; because I know I'm better than the job I'm in now; because I feel like I'm behind in this Game of Life.
I spoke to a really wise person from my dance class last night. I've never spoken to her before, but she made me realise that the world won't end because I'm not achieving what I think I ought just yet. That life isn't about a job - it's about the things you put round it. And that slowing it all down a bit might just be what the doctor ordered.
Today, I've panicked a bit less. I've searched a bit less frantically across the Tinterweb. I feel a bit less fuzzy.
There were reasons why I'm doing what I am right now:
- I need money and it's a recession
- I thought helping others would be meaningful, even if the work itself wasn't all that hard
- I need time to get better from my eating problems
- I need time for me in general to work things out
- I wanted to be able to see my boyfriend more often
- I wanted to be independent and free
As it stands, I'm kind of doing a bit of all these things. I'm not fully there yet, but I'm walking the path. Slowly. And maybe that's the right pace for me.
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