Making a start...

Having spent some time reading other people's blogs, I'm eventually making a start on my own. (Observation: This sentence smacks of listening to other people before making my own decisions, but then that's a whole other topic.)

It seems like I'm making a lot of starts at the moment, so perhaps there is something in the 'spring clean' phenomenon; it seems like I'm spring-cleaning my life. Plus I'm learning a lot about myself, that I was only partially aware of before:

First, there's a new flat on the horizon. I haven't been in my current flat all that long (six months - since the start of my current job), but my flatmate is moving forth with her life and thus me with mine. Realising that I don't enjoy spending much time alone, I've sought out (and found) a place with friendly inhabitants - ones that want to make friends with the people they live with, as opposed to just co-existing.

My current flatmate is really nice; just not there all that often. I thought I'd like a flat to myself, but it hasn't really felt like mine, given that it is full of someone else's things. So it's felt pretty empty, and the time I spend alone in it is mostly time spent very aware of the loneliness.

This seems to 'make space' or 'allow' for fairly regular episodes of binge eating. (I'd say I'm probably classed as someone with binge eating disorder of some type or another, though I'm not that keen on the eating disorder categorisation thing.) Generally, this is where I eat too much comfort food (ironically, creating the most uncomfortable feeling); get some sort of pay-off from feeling full (what I reckon is probably not feeling empty and being aware of my body); and then go to bed feeling a bit rubbish, probably texting the people that love me and worrying them, too.

Lesson 1: Loneliness is not good for me. Spending time with other people is and so that's what I will do.

Secondly, and probably the biggest new start I've made is my pre-and-post Christmas, I've-had-enough-of-this reaching out for help with said binge eating. I didn't always binge; it's a result of a 5 or maybe closer to 6-year relationship with eating problems (to be discussed in other posts). But yeah, I've got to a point where I really do want to change, and feel I'm in the best position to do this.

I have the support of an amazing man; one whom I can't quite believe I deserve to call my boyfriend, but nevertheless, he is and is also my best friend. My family support me and so do a couple of friends whom I am lucky enough to know and have in my life. And a special cat or two who bring warm fuzzles into my life (and occasional bite marks)! Brilliant,eh?

But at the end of the day, it's about me doing this for me; getting to know (and like) myself again; and putting the graft in.

What I've done so far:

• Contacted a local eating disorder group and attended an assessment;
• Been to an eating disorder support group;
• Asked for counselling at work;
• Attended a counselling session (didn't work out - another story(;
• Read three self-help books, all of which have some great suggestions and points I'm trialling every day)
• Kept two diaries: one with general stuff in and one for food and feelings;
• Started ballet;
• Booked myself on a self-esteem, eating-related course;
• Been open about this with the people close to me.

What I plan to do:

• Find the right counsellor for me to support me in making changes;
• Think about going to ask for GP support (fear of doctors generally keeping me from this right now);
• Keep trying to make changes and move forward from this.

Lesson 2: I have made leaps towards changing my relationship with food for the better. I still have a way to go, but this is huge. Kudos to me.

So yeah... big changes happening for me right now. Will keep you posted on how it goes.