Money Honey (work's too much like work)

(BTW: This post's got nothing to do with the lovely Lady Gaga, though I do seriously love her song with similar title).

For some time now,I have been envious of those colleagues and friends with babies - for the sheer luxury of nine months (to one year for some lucky mummies) off work. Now I'm well aware that the reality of this would be somewhat different. If I were lucky, there may be some visits to a park or a local playgroup, in between sleepless nights and sick-ups all over my best clothes. If I happened to be unlucky, I might find myself in a spiral of depression, or worse (read a wonderful article in UK Red magazine this month - August 2011 - for an amazingly touching piece on post-natal depression).

This is getting off the point.

My point here is that I am not happy in my work life.

My current job aside, I seem to have developed a general disillusionment with "the world of work" (how much does that sound like a Disneyland ride? And why do university tutors insist on referring to it as such?! What a let down!).

Since leaving education, I've worked in an office environment. I find myself feeling detached, distracted and, in all honesty, bored. This leads to high anxiety and depressive feelings. At the same time, whenever I am busy (and I do often have busy times where there's work to do), I find myself feeling similarly anxious and low.I struggle with office politics, preferring to keep myself to myself, and my work life seperate from my personal life.

In theory, withdrawal from any uncomfortable situation may solve the issues. Go to work, do your work and come home, forgetting it all until the next day. However given the feelings it produces in me, it's not so easy.For someone with a history of depression and disordered eating, these feelings are particularly difficult to deal with.

Bearing in mind my mission to move forward in all areas of my life, this is an important issue to tackle. I figure opening, rather than closing, doors is key to my not feeling trapped (and therefore reducing the anxiety and hopelessness I sometimes experience).

I am currently exploring the following options:

1. Actively seek employment which is better suited to me, keeping an open mind as to what that could be. With the economy as it is, it is realistic to expect that this may be a more medium-term action to keep going with.

2. Making the most of the time I do have to myself to do the things that I really do love. As you may have read, or at least surmised, writing is something I genuinely love. I can lose myself when I write. Even when the dreaded block kicks in, I'm learning to write through it (badly) and I still am able to lose myself in the moment; in my imagination. Time seems to fly by.

3. Generally being open to new opportunities, whatever they may be, and whatever direction they take me in.

Not only with respect to work, but in life, I have found that developing an eating disorder came with a particular view of the world. In this world, seen through the eyes of my eating disorder, there was no way I would be able to do anything my heart might want to do. I lost all my self-confidence, and my ability to have dreams for myself. I trapped myself in.

Opening myself to new opportunities is my attempt to free myself to move forward.

There are, of course, practicalities. Hence the title of this post. Financially, I am entirely dependent on working and am grateful to be in full-time, permanent employment during such difficult times. I know that other people are not so lucky. I am not writing this post in a "poor me" attempt at drawing attention to my unhappiness(as cathartic as it is to let out my feelings). It's to say that the practicalities of moving forward - in any area of your life - will involve starting to see beyond the blinkers put in place by your eating disorder (or anything else, really).

Moving forward is all about being open, where you previously closed off from the world. This is where I am, with my own work life. And I'm seeing that happiness in my working life isn't all about the money (honey).