Finally Food

As far as moving forward from disordered eating goes, there has to be at least some part of the process that involves dealing with food, my eating and how this impacts my weight. Right?

For me, this whole process thus far has had to focus on the other stuff first. What other stuff?

Well, off the top of my head, this has included things like:

-Getting an idea of why I may have developed a disordered relationship with food in the first place
- Asking for help - and accepting it
- Therapy
- Attending support groups
- Finding the clues that (in retrospect, at least) suggest I have been succeptible to developing an eating disorder
- Looking into my past, at other issues I have had, and working on letting them go
- Re-building friendships and making new ones
- Working on forgiveness (of myself and others) for all kinds of things
- Figuring out (slowly) who I am, now that I'm no longer the person I was before, or during, my eating disorder and accompanying depression
- Learning to take risks, make decisions and get my braves on!

All these things, and many more I'm sure I'll talk about on this blog, have helped to alter my relationship with food in a positive way. I can't quite put my finger on how this has worked, but I can tell you that it is working to improve my issues with food and the impact it has on my weight.

Since taking these non-food related steps forward my weight has stabilised at a little over what I believe my natural, non- eating disordered, weight probably will be. I've been in the same size clothes for around 3 years now. my food fears are at an all-time minimum and I am currently at my closest to having a "normal" relationship with eating in the six years since my eating disorder, as such, began.

I am therefore proving to myself (and others) that even without directly tackling the issues I have with food, moving forward from disordered eating is possible.

Two or more years into my committment to move forward, I feel like I am now only just getting to a place where I can begin to look at the specifics of my eating.

Why now and not then?

There are a couple of reasons why I believe I can now handle this stage of moving forward.

First, I am able to look at what I eat, how and when I eat certain things, without judging myself as a person on my eating. This is a huge thing for me, and for anyone whose worth has essentially been pinned on what they look like and what they put into their body. To not have to feel bad for putting food in my mouth is wonderful! Yet now that I tend not to feel this (though occasionally it does happen), it doesn't feel like such a big deal anymore. It is, and it's a huge step to being able to really look at what's going on in my relationship with food.

Importantly, there's also the fact that I am no longer trapped in the bingeing-dieting cycle. I don't even believe in dieting as a valid lifestyle choice any more. I can think more clearly (because I am not biologically all over the place as a result of some serious self-medication with food) and I no longer fear slipping back into an eating disorder. Don't get me wrong; there are temptations at times and I am not naieve enough to think it an impossibility. I just know that it's not worth it, for me. I have too much to get out of living a life without it, than to go back to not living a life, but being in the grips of an eating disorder.


I am also now at a point where I can begin to entertain the notion of changing the foods I eat and the habits I have around food. I thought that wanting to move forward from my disordered eating was the same thing as changing my relationship with food. I've learnt that it is and it isn't.

When I made the decision to move forward with my life, it definitely included a different way of eating. A happier, more comfortable and relaxed way of eating. I just couldn't do it straight away. My head had to get to a more happy, comfortable and relaxed state first. I had to prove to myself that I could change, by showing myself in other areas of my life, before I could let myself believe that the same was possible for my eating. I think I have enough evidence stashed up to support me in experimenting with changes in my eating.

Stepping away from the evidence-based reasoning as to why I am willing to now look at addressing the food side of my disordered eating past.... Well,it just feels right for me to do this now.


So in answer to the original question at the beginning of this post, moving forward from disordered eating will inevitably involve dealing with food issues. It just might not be as soon as you'd think. And that's okay.

The meaning of loving myself

In order to move on from disordered eating, you first need to learn to love and accept yourself exactly as you are today.

This is one of the most difficult things I have had to even consider in deciding that yes, I do want to move on from this. I've heard it said a million times, in many guises and in many forms; on the internet, in books, at groups, in counselling. And as many times as I've heard it, a little bit of me has hoped it wasn't true.

I didn't quite get why this was at first, but as time has passed, and I've allowed myself to really hear what this is saying to me, I think I understand myself a little more.

Loving and accepting yourself today means letting go of what you think you should be tomorrow.

This is a terrifying thought at first glance. No more hoping that in future, I will be thinner (just one more diet, and that will be me - sorted).

No more hoping that one day, I might be that bit more beautiful and attractive (just a bit more time, money and make-up).

No more 'future is brighter' thinking.

I'd have to make do with how I am now, and entertain the notion that I might be this way for always. The notion that this is as good as it gets. .

Time has passed since I first wrote this post. It's from a time earlier in the year, when I had been musing over what I had learnt.

As with most people, there are things I'd like to improve. This is what keeps us moving forward, and is a positive thing on the whole. Still. There lingers a bit of darkness around the edges. That bit of the eating disordered, negative mindset that hasn't quite disappeared. The part of me that would drive me to push for perfection, given half a chance.

Today, I cannot honestly say that I totally and whole-heartedly accept the idea that this is as good as it gets, or indeed that I am as good as I can ever be. But I can say that in practical terms, I'm moving closer to the positive and further from the negative than ever.

Until I'd given these ideas a go, they seemed very scary.

For example, it means not waiting until the next diet proved successful before I let myself buy new clothes. I would have to buy those clothes I want (or need - often it gets to the 'need' stage before I would brave a shop) today and wear them today. No saving them for best and waiting until the "right" moment. Why? Because I need to know that I am worth spending money on today. I'm not waiting for a better me to come along. I'm not waiting until I "deserve" nice things because I'm telling myself - through my actions and sometimes in my head - that I deserve them now. Just for being me.

It means going out and meeting new people, and making time for friends. I've missed many social occasions because I didn't feel that I was thin enough, beautiful enough, well-dressed enough, funny enough, interesting enough to "deserve" to go out. I've been afraid that if I did spend time with people, they'd find me out. I'd be shown to be an ugly, mean, uninteresting fraud.

Accepting that this body - this me - might well be all I have has meant having to work with it as it is, and live in it. Part of this has meant making myself - sometimes even forcing myself - to go to social occasions. Most of the time, I'm glad to have gone. It's proven to be far more successful that I'd thought and I have been accepted and even welcomed by other people.

Don't get me wrong; meeting people is something I've always been a little nervous about and still makes my stomach flutter sometimes. There are certain people and certain situations I'm yet to face. But I have faith that when I choose to do those things, they'll turn out far better than the previews in my head would have me believe.

It means treating myself with lovely, beautiful things - non-food things like underwear, bath treats and books - for no reason other than I am worthy of being surrounded by wonderful things. Books and bath treats have been pretty easy. Baths are an occasional - and often rather brief - pleasure, and relaxing is getting easier each time. Except when the water's too hot. I can always find a book I'd like to read, and making time to do so is getting to be a little more habitual.

What I'm yet to master is buying myself the longed-for underwear and making every day an occasion worthy of its wearing. I've not the easiest shape for buying lingerie, and it's not something I revel in doing, but it is up there as something important that I need to do for me. To show me that yes, I am a beautiful, gorgeous woman. I have curves and there are beautiful things I can wear on them and do with them. And I am well worth the investment. I'm sure my boyfriend wouldn't object all too strongly either!

So what more can I say on the subject of loving and accepting myself at this point?

Ultimately, it means not waiting until I am thinner to be happy. It means finding things to be happy about today - including how I look and feel about myself and my body. And I'm getting there.