This week I have been a mess, to put it nicely. I managed to get a bit of a cold last Friday, which left me feeling drained for the weekend.
On Monday I saw my new counsellor. She was great, and I'm to make further appointments with her, but when I went back to work, I got a migrane and had to go home. To be sure it was gone, I stayed home Tuesday. I painted for the first time in ages. I felt more drained. I
I went to my ED group, taking the opportunity to walk there and get some fresh air and exercise, and it was really interesting and I felt like I had a lot to say. I came home feeling drained.
I came back to work and struggled through the day, trying not to break down in tears, worrying my already-whirring head about what the hell was wrong with me - was I falling into depression again? I cried to my boss a little when she asked how I was. I thought about not going in the next day; I was probably still ill. I went to my dance class, and my brain slowed a little. I ate badly. I felt drained.
I spoke to my man. He said he notices that I get anxious about a week prior to my visiting family. It felt like a lightbulb moment. Why hadn't I realised? I kind of knew I wasn't embracing the visit to the family - I generally approach these events with trepidation - but when I put the pieces my partner so gently put before me together, it made sense. And I made it to work today.
To fill you in a little, I don't come from a 'bad' home. My parents, though now divorced, are generally fine with me and my siblings are great, if not a little annoying sometimes. As the oldest child, I was put in a place of knowing the ins and outs of my parents' mixed-up lives and problems. I'm only just beginning to put these pieces together for myself (with a little help) and realise how they've affected me.
I guess what I've taken from this hideous week is that sometimes, you have to feel things if you want to move forward. I have to accept these feelings are there, acknowledge them, unpick them and then work out how to let go and move on. I'm at the beginning bit now; hopefully as I go through these processes it will all become clearer. And maybe I'll realise my mind is not always as daft as it can feel!
